My Only Power is Prayer: How I’m handling Self Quarantine
My Only Power is Prayer: How I’m handling Self Quarantine, from the “Love in the Time of Corona” a Corona Diaries series of Morning Pages entries, written while Cat is stranded in Australia.
My only power is prayer. I woke up this morning, grumpy as usual.
Magnificent dreams happen when I sleep but then when I wake I think, “Fuck, here I am.”
My boyfriend is getting ready for work. He doesn’t want me on the computer.
I love my morning routine, my aloneness and I want quiet, coffee. Sitting under trees, I want to to watch the light on them, think of random shit, be magical and mundane, all by myself. This time is to be cherished
I’m learning how to be in relationship.
It’s boring at times. I’m in love with my aloneness though I know if I give this a chance, there’s magic. I’m skirting the periphery of everything important these days I notice – I don’t allow the deep intimacy with myself or him. I take walkabouts instead in my head.
There’s so much pain in my body and fear dominating my thoughts that I know at this point I have no choice. I think about Dante’s “Inferno” when Dante realized the only way out of hell is THROUGH. While I’d love to walk away, I can’t. We are stuck here.
The gods could not have orchestrated a better practice.
It’s time to get real. Thank god I’ve got tools. So begrudgingly I marched over to my tree this morning with a vest on and a blanket and I sat under my tree and I just said to myself, ‘Ok.”
I keep pretending things are just physical and right now all the work that’s coming through me (and always has) is more subtle and astral. There’s a part of me clinging onto how things were and still trying to fit into an older paradigm, no matter how much I actually believe in it. There’s false safety in familiarity.
But today with this pain I just had to sit with myself. I had to surrender to the earth and source and widen my view and step out of my head and let this magic that I share with others finally flow back to myself. I had to let go into this unknown and see what happens.
Last night I had a new friend in my dream.
He had a magic book and I watched him practice from this book and I saw spirits leaping around him – the potential power in this energetic flow he was doing. I have to admit I don’t think the teachers I’m looking for are online, they are inside and above and there’s a whole new magic brewing that I have no choice but to be ready for.
Personal pain is a great teacher.
Yesterday I went to a physio and she did an excellent analysis (and wore a colorful face mask and bitched about how the elastic crushed her head. She’ll probably only be treating for 2 more weeks) and she did all this great manipulation and I kept thinking hopefully, “Yes! Yes! Yes!” And although I felt more relaxed (stoned more like it) at the end the pain I have is still here, rearing its angry head.
The time is now for me to get real with my own practices.
So I sat with myself this morning and we could say it was a big of time of surrender. I had to let go of all I know and where I think things should go and widen myself and drop down deeper and finally my body was taken by a current and it knew the movements to do to unwind itself. I have to admit after letting the earth take me over and contort and unwind me, I feel much better. This is not the time to step backwards into what worked before. It’s the time for new edges. “Leap forward,” is what kanga keeps reminding me.
[However Cat didn’t record herself reading My Only Power is Prayer, you may enjoy listening to Cat read other blog posts on Cat’s Spotify Podcast]
Interesting this virus is called corona.
I’ve been getting headaches of all sorts and when I meditated this morning I let my whole crown open and I said, ‘Ok, I’m ready for this new information, these new pathways,’ and I felt my whole system open and unwind and a crackling sparkling on my head.
Newness can be scary because we’re not actually sure where it’s going to lead us. The best motivation however is when the ONLY way available is this new way.
After praying and opening this morning I feel better. The fear is an old echo. I’m present with the breeze. What matters is how the light looks on leaves. My pain is gone and I’m grateful. There’s a power, I know, in this invisible, in the subtle. And perhaps now is the perfect time to truly respect it.