Let Love In: Maybe It’s Time To Stop Fighting
Let Love In: Maybe It’s Time To Stop Fighting, from the “Love in the Time of Corona” a Corona Diaries series of Morning Pages entries, written while Cat is stranded in Australia.
I’m realizing I have to let you love me. Maybe we are all trapped where we are to see how we have forgotten to let love in. Why did I come here otherwise?
I haven’t written lately and I’m forgetting that writing is my medicine.
It’s my way to crawl out of the holes I get trapped in. I’m so good at getting trapped and taking my mental anguish so seriously. I am very good at being a drama queen.
Today you heard me fart and I didn’t care.
I blamed it on the milk. Remember our first weekend together in your home? Too shy to have you hear me pee, I turned on the faucet like the women do in Japanese public restrooms. The toilets there have built in flushing sounds to mask any groans and drizzles of the pelvis and even have very nicely heated seats.
I wish we had heated toilet seats.
You washed your long underwear and robe for me and now they smell good and I see how happy it makes you that I wear them. I oddly look fashionable in your pants. Paired with my sequinned red slippers I look slightly elegant which I think is funny. I miss looking elegant. My hair is gnarled and dry and I brush it on occasion. I feel frumpy all over. It feels good to wake up and have a mission to go somewhere and now I have to pretend I have a purpose. There’s a certain inner attitude if you live your life in slippers and a robe. I used to think this is what I wanted but I think myself, like all of us, I can’t wait to break out.
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So the kangaroos are getting closer. We actually had 7 in the yard during this video and later on I got even closer and they just stayed mellow. I also am noticing how my house outfits are making me look like a tree and/or kanga. I’m learning to blend in.My boyfriend gave me his robe to help me deal with the cold (it’s sunny days suddenly again) I think he just thinks I’m hot looking like a turbaned tree. But the kangas. They are visiting frequently and coming closer. Yesterday a bird flew into our house to say hi. I think I’m turning into Snow White. #kangaroos #westernaustralia #treepose #boyfriendsclothes #roo
I can’t wait to get my hair cut and a pedicure.
Let me tell you that I only cut my hair once a year and it’s in a certain salon in Lisbon and no, it’s not like it’s that special -but it kinda is. They don’t try to color my hair or do anything to me. I walk in and they treat me like I’m already beautiful. I love it because it’s fashionable but not pretentious and I’ve gone there three times. I’ve drank coffee with my stylist, we went out for wine and dinner, he gets what I mean about sensitivity and talks about how he reads people’s energy in their hair.
Anyway I’m digressing.
I’m glad I travelled so much because at least I’ve seen a lot of the world. Now that I’m back in my robe and slippers (ok magenta ugg boots in this moment) we are stripped back to not much. I see all the decoration I’ve been living in and what matters, of course, is simply the heart.
I won’t let you love me, I see that.
We got in another fight yesterday while driving to find surf. (Here at least there aren’t too many humans so we can still drive to find surf). I don’t talk to you the way we used to chat. When we first met we spent three hours a day on the phone and I confessed to you everything. Now I’m convinced you won’t understand me. I know you’re bewildered.
But we drove back last afternoon after you surfed and I ran slowly through the sand and you reminded me why I have value. I’m dramatic as usual and tell you everything is dying. Somehow you got that I didn’t actually want you to solve my problems, I just want you to hold my hand. And so finally you did and something in me dropped.
This morning after my dreams when the alarm went off (are your dreams as crazy as mine these days?) I didn’t leap out of bed like usual. Rather I let you hold me and I noticed that it’s comfortable.
It seems I’ve spent my whole life dreaming about you and now I’m realizing I have to let you love me. I hate it.
Maybe we are all trapped where we are to see how we have forgotten to let love in. There’s so much I want to blame, but maybe I just need to rest and let love settle with me. Why did I come here otherwise?
I’ve spent my life fighting,
my dad said I came out of the womb fighting, that’s how someone born premature still somehow thrived despite the odds. They called me the “miracle baby” and yet in my life I don’t focus on the miracles enough or the love that has carried me through. I just keep on fighting. Before the world shut down, I was tired. I was looking for a place to rest and catch my breath. So now here I am. Yet still in a smaller space, I’m fighting in circles, my imaginary opponents, just me in my own contrived ring. Maybe just maybe it’s time to stop fighting, and let love in.
[However Cat didn’t record herself reading Let Love In: Maybe It’s Time To Stop Fighting, you may enjoy listening to Cat read other blog posts on her Spotify Podcast]