Exercising My Freedom To Step Out Of Time
If life is my practice of freedom, what’s the point of following lines that make no sense, when I always feel a pulse pulling me elsewhere? – from the “Love in the Time of Corona” a Corona Diaries series of Morning Pages entries, written while Cat is stranded in Australia.
I told myself yesterday that I could be timeless, that I could step out of time.
That the whole world has stopped so I can step out of time, finally just go at my own time.
I’ve always felt trapped by grids, by insane rhythms, by others’ fears and expectations, and most of all, my own.
If life is my practice of freedom, what’s the point of following lines that make no sense, when I always feel a pulse pulling me elsewhere?
Last night you were talking to your family on the phone. I know you wanted me to sit beside you.
I can’t explain to you the pleasure I get out of walking outside alone at night. If I turn off my flashlight, it’s pitch-black except for the stars. I keep telling you “let’s go watch the stars.” But this has been my own ritual since I was a child and maybe I don’t want anyone with me. It’s already crowded, me and the stars, it’s the one place I can feel at home.
I laid down in the field, not caring that my pants and sweatshirt would get dirty. Listening to the leaves crumple around my head I let the ground hold me as I watched the patterns settle and blink above me. Within minutes I saw a shooting star. When I watch the stars, I know I am nothing and everything and at home.
Yesterday I felt trapped. I feel trapped every day.
I reminded myself of my power to expand and I let myself finally lift out of the stories and thoughts of others, the ones I think I should adorn to fit in. This is what I have been doing my whole life – stressing myself out in order to fit in.
Today I am relaxed. I’m Exercising My Freedom.
I let you do your work. Your theme is work and push. Instead of helping (though I did make breakfast and do all the dishes) I told you I was going back to bed. However I never do this, I climbed in the sheets and stepped out of time.
It feels like a Sunday. It’s a Monday.
There might be leaves in my hair. Sometimes I slide into dreamtime. I’m here. I’m slow. I wear pink boots and a bright green jacket and some linen tropical shorts I got in Bali. It’s like I’m a kid and this is my magic outfit today. My only mission is to be.
[However Cat didn’t record herself reading Exercising My Freedom To Step Out Of Time, you may enjoy listening to Cat read other corona diaries blog posts on Cat’s Spotify Podcast]