Happy Birthday to Me: The Power of Soul Purpose
Happy Birthday, to Me. I have to admit, I’ve always dreaded my birthday. Because I secretly want attention and people to spend time with me, but don’t know how to admit it.
For my birthday I was given so many wonderful gifts.
This year I’m in a new town. I refuse to Zoom my birthday, I need people in the flesh. So I found my 8 friends, tell them I want cake and candles.
(And even thought I didn’t tell them, I was imagining telling them) that I spent my 30th on a train leaving NY, with pneumonia, anorectic and alone, except for my ex leaving me texts about how worthless I am. I imagined telling them that, I also spent my 36th alone in Ireland, searching for fairies. Which was fun, but I did get lonely.
I’m tired of pretending. So I’ll admit, I do want cake for my birthday.
They heard me! They gave me not one, but three. And we got to sing three times.
It was a friend’s birthday too and I was so happy that I didn’t have to give him half my cake. I’m too good at giving away my own things. With too many cakes, we got to choose.
There’s been a deeper birthing, building up to this birthday and it’s all been worth it.
The best part was how bright I felt at the end. This has been some months of hell, birthing the best parts of myself. I have felt my face smacked against concrete and wondered, “What the fuck now?”
I’m going to stop pretending on my birthday, “Don’t make a fuss.” No please, MAKE A FUSS. Celebrate me.
I have to admit I was so happy to get presents wrapped up. Who doesn’t like presents wrapped up? I’ll celebrate you next. It’s fun, it’s worth it.
One gift was something to regenerate me after being tired from my healing work. I loved the gesture. I loved the wrapping, the chocolate, the hand-picked flower on the front. And loved that I realized, I don’t get tired after work.
[Maybe you’ll also enjoy reading:
Easter Sunday, A Holiday That Was Never A Big Deal For Me]
It’s been my work that’s pulled me through everything.
When I’m about to smash my soul, it’s the need to show up for work that keeps me in line. When I could step into a black hole, it’s my work that keeps me birthing. Usually I get off a call (since all my work now is online) and even if I was grumpy before, I’m in contact with what’s important and slightly (or very) beaming.
I’ve considered my soul purpose and have realized we need that focus to stay in line with ourselves.
I am a “Kung fu” writer.
Recently I learned that kung fu means “time well spent practicing.” And while these days I’m committing as a writer, I am a “Kung fu” writer. Now I know my purpose.
How I organize my time is based on what supports my creativity: who I hang out with and when, when and where I exercise and move my body, how much rest I truly need.
Everything about me gets to be creative: from cleaning to cooking to the strange outfits I wear in my own company.
I’ve dissipated my energy millions of times before.
There’s been an intimacy and honesty brewing, before this birthday.
And most importantly, there is a way that I can start to truly say “No,” which is how, with all my fake “yeses” I’ve dissipated my energy millions of times before.
When I first started running teacher trainings, there were an edge, excitement and growth needed. That which pulled me into place and gave me a new vision. It’s the same with any of my energetic work and even the trapeze arts.
There’s a commitment to one’s own inner passion, that suddenly makes life worthwhile.
You asked me yesterday if the storms bother me and I just tell you, “More time to write.”
My pain has a place when I write and any time I start there’s a clarification, a singing that begins.
I know we all have our own kung fu, an inner commitment that makes us stop feeling like slaves, where we can start feeling free. And that sometimes it’s the very key to untangle any and all of our pain.