The Anger, Power, Creative Force, Fire Needed to Say “THIS IS NOT OKAY!”
Anger, power, creative force, fire… elements for me to expand and play in, when I am not going to apologize for my daggers, when it has taken so long to realize, that it’s okay for me to say: “THIS IS NOT OKAY!”
We have been indoctrinated to believe that anger and power are not elements of women. It has been indoctrinated in me to fucking smile when I would rather cry, when I would rather fight, when I would rather run, when I would rather change this situation. Say “no.”
How many times have I tried to say no, a voiceless “no” that gets strangled?
I’m around men. And I still see my discomfort when I want to remind them – “Hey, I’m not going to sleep with you.” Or…”if you want to touch me, you’ve got to go MUCH MUCH slower.” Or…”Hey, did you know I had value beyond how pretty I am?”
As if he’s a generous man for maybe hearing me.
It shouldn’t be generous or evolved to be able to respect someone’s boundaries. I still watch my own inner cringe for actually stating my value, stating my truth.
Thousands of years are impacted in my bones that I am the servant to the man. My power is marriage. Yes, I know it’s different now, but is it? The memories are still there. If we’re awake enough we know that it’s not just this generation speaking through this, there are so many more. We still have the 1800s alive in us, the 1700s, those memories, those thoughts. Even much much older. They control us more than we think.
And we can apply this to race, we can apply this to culture, we can apply this to class, disabilities, we can apply this to everything. That while our “super consciousness”, to use the words of Freud, may have one set of thinking, but there are still dark worms underneath that are controlling us.
I spend my life digging my worms out. If I really want to be light I want to see what’s underneath that’s still causing me to sway, still making me say “yes” to my No, and “no” to my Yes. Still causing me to shrink and say “I’m sorry” when there’s nothing for me to say I’m sorry for.
Today I am angry.
A long time ago I would have analyzed or tried to fix it. Maybe suppress it or distract myself. I used to do very complicated rituals to hold myself back and hold myself down. Do you know how exhausting it is to hold your spirit back?
I know that my anger is life force and power. That even a subtle infringement on my boundary will create some friction on my field and that’s ok. I’m not going to push it on someone – I’m going to use it as a force of aliveness, of awakeness, in my field. OF CLARITY. Anger is a white heat that, when used properly, can burn out Un-Truths.
It’s okay to be angry.
It’s one more sensation, one more vibration in our whole spectrum. And as women we have been taught to fear or misuse it. Men too – but I’m writing this because I identify as a woman.
I let my anger be part of my light, part of my fire. I’m learning to dance skilfully with her, like I’m a fire dancer swirling. If I dance beautifully with my fire, people will not say, ‘She’s scary with her anger, or – “she hurt me with her anger,” they will say, “look how beautifully she dances with her anger.” What if anger is another word for power?
We fear our power.
I know I do, I prefer to be small and cute, I know how to play in a way that you will like me, I have spent years placing myself in small and large boxes. Unfortunately I’m too big now and I crave too much to stay too long in the box. I created the box after all and this box is boring and does no one any good.
Do we have the guts to acknowledge that we create these boxes?
Anger, power, creative force, fire… elements for me to expand and play in. Am I willing to go for it or let the vestiges of ancient personalities, archetypes, and generations to control me? Will I let my “new normal” be freedom and awakeness in the most real way possible?