I bought these shoes the day after my brother died.
I flew in to Florida from Guatemala and left most of my clothes at the laundry in Lake Atitlan, I had to leave so fast.
Grief is a strange space, another dimension, and one way I dealt was making excuses to go shopping- for funeral clothes, slippers, wine, the dollar store, cereal. I bought my niece running shoes and decided to buy some too. I felt guilty for spending so much money so I bought the breast cancer ones on sale. They’re ugly but fit my wide feet. And then I started running.
I used to run in high school and stopped in my mid-twenties. When my brother died, that became my therapy again. That was 3 years ago. I stopped running and now just started again. My favorite thing is to run at night under the cloudy stars, a sprinkle of rain, in the pockets of dark with the crickets, the only light the occasional motorbike and the warm tone of the temples. You should see the god and demon statues in the shadows. The trees tower over me and I run faster and I
feel at home. I wish I could share with you what I smell on these runs- night jasmine, the sharp sweet smell of this other flower I have no name for, so many different flavors of incense, every three feet a different smell, the earth smells different, the water more fragrant and I just passed a barbecue. I like to stay outside for the smells. I used to run to forget, to drop, to let go. Now I run to savor the texture, lights, and scents of the ever-changing moment.