The big question I always ask myself: Am I making a mistake? What does my heart want? What does it feel like to live according to my heart? To feel into, to fall into the sumptuousness of being- that’s not so rigid or controlled, that can flow as ever-changing sensation- watch how the sensations shift. There’s never a perfect right or wrong…it’s simply a flow that spreads and morphs into a spectrum of different shades and colors.
To look for that perfect anything simply creates exhaustion. To go in knowing that EVERYTHING will change – that the pure nature of reality is change. That for something NOT to change is actually unhealthy, nearly dead…That the only place of stillness is so deep and low inside – where the pure witness lives. But we came into the body, to this earth to not stay in that place. We came to be alive…and pure aliveness is motion, inherent even in stillness.
To go into any moment looking for just one color, one vibration, only one rhythm or a frozen plate in time…that would simply be an immature effort, wholly lacking the full comprehension of what reality truly is. To expand, to widen and SEE that the Godness, the Perfection of anything is simply in its TOTALITY. That’s where we fall into the grace of being. We then, from this place of allowing totality then, don’t fear things falling apart – inevitably they will, they MUST for any sort of growth. We won’t fear hellos, goodbyes, friction, destruction, new beginnings, grief – because from this place of totality we realize that we are, in fact, always absorbed by and ever-changing Light.
To rest in the depth of the tide of experience, to experience reality from that perspective gives us the grace to live from the core of experience.
Core…in French “Coeur” the heart. The heart isn’t superficial flittings of light…the nice rainbow colors…it’s from the depth of the soul that we move to experience the full light of being. The mind only knows “good” and “bad.” The soul knows that it came to widen and expand…to stretch itself from the full growth of feeling. The soul can fall into pain and despair, knowing too that inevitably that what must counter, follow, in order to create the perfect balance for the totality..then the joy, the pleasure, the ecstacy must be present as well. That is love, the perfect balance of the two that only knows itself, can only express itself through the friction, the completion, the contrast.
So I drop my lines, my need to be so exact, so precise. I allow myself to get a little messy, to widen myself so that I can hold, or rather, allow myself to be held in the full space of being. There’s nothing to fear. There’s nothing wrong. I came here to accept love and instead of deciding HOW it must look and feel, how I must look and feel in order to be loveable…if I open myself up to what is here right now, I will suddenly realize that I don’t have to search further. I don’t need to fix my past, myself, or control the future. Love is always here. I am always loved. I always have been. I just didn’t realize that the offerings of love contained more than my initial preconceptions. These Love Offerings carry bones, dirt, blood, hair, blood, pain, sorrow. They can be slightly fermented, a little tangled, a bit musty and ragged. These parts end up being containers, the background, the perfect structure to hold and bind to its equal and opposite partner – its brother, its sister, its soul-mate. Together they are the mother and the father, though it’s hard to know where one begins and ends as while the darker side has garbage, dust, hard spikes, and infinite shades of black…its mate has the golden hues of the sun, iridescent birds, a healing hum of angels, infinite glittering stars, delicate roses and unabashed lilies, the smile of the heart lighting up the face.
For some time we watch this prism of totality. The perfect construction, its ever-changing beauty dependent on contrast in order to be seen. We become enraptured in awe of our observations,. At some point we can’t even help ourselves- we MUST jump in to join this. We become part of it, needing to fully experience it – even if it means that we lose ourselves in it…In this losing of ourselves in this structure…we finally can be felt, seen, heard…and FOUND.