Sunday, 18. August 2013

The Joy in Small Things – Amsterdam Alone on a Sunday Morning

My mind still tries to create the most formidable future, looking for the perfect plan to devise the most perfect outcome that guarantees eternal security and happiness…for this lifetime and perhaps even future ones…

Finally in my 34 years…I am exhausted. After 900,946,483,447 plans…I realize there must be a different way (“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results,” Einstein.)

This is no longer just an intellectual awareness. There is nothing anyone can give me…no place that can guarantee me this full security of happiness.

We live in a world of waves…some at lower frequencies…some at higher. When we are at a higher frequency, the distance between the wavelengths is smaller so we don’t experience as much rockiness or turmoil…Though we don’t get the same peaks either or the rush of falling…There is a stability and a focus with the higher frequency. One is not better than the other. I’ve forgotten that I am a musical instrument, a splash of colors, a smorgasbord of sounds that can choose to play any style of music…it’s up to me on how limited I am…

The important part is to remember who we are…as we got lost in the music and the sounds…The easiest way to kill a work of art is to overanalyze it. I am not here to be analyzed, to be some boring critic actually so scared of myself that I don’t allow myself leeway to get messy and play.


So this morning, I won’t put down my perfect plan for the day. I won’t expect myself to feel any which way or hope that anyone behaves in any certain way. I won’t look for the perfect outcome. The perfection is in the artist’s way…It’s raining. I am in awe of how the shaded light makes the green leaves against the building more vibrant…The rain outside and me inside is so cozy I don’t want to leave the house. The lamps create a warm light against the wooden floor and the hum of the dishwasher is its own metronome. The light keeps changing. I lay in bed and watch the play of gray shadows and clear light and how I want to fold into myself and be held by the warmth and stillness and knowledge that I don’t have to go anywhere or do a thing. On the couch I lounge and drink coffee. I had the most perfect delight in figuring out how to work the coffee maker and then I frothed milk with a hand milk frother. The joy in small things. I live in a state of fascination. Even with myself. This is what it feels like to be hungry…This is what it feels like to be confused…This is what it feels like to be timid…This is what it feels like to be insecure…This is what it feels like to be beautiful…This is what it feels like to…And I don’t attach.. I just watch how it changes. And my most perfect freedom is when I know in the moment, it all contains everything…andfile://localhost/Users/CatKabira/Desktop/creativephoto/cloudstukmuseumedit.jpg the wave must move. So I feel sad now…the wave will change…I feel joy now….the wave will change…I don’t fear so much these past couple of days…The concepts of money don’t stress me the same way…The joy in small things…That is my gift to myself…my gift to you….I won’t scare you with an imaginary future or delude you with any promises…I won’t dump on you my baggage of the past …I will share with you the joy in small things…Look at how the snow on the fire escape looks like piano keys…look at Abraham Lincoln and the unicorn doing handstands in the clouds…feel the light sparkle of golden light on the left side of your face…listen to the rhythm of the water slapping the dock…In the artist’s way…there’s no good…no bad…it’s just smudges and sound and colors…and all things matter…all things are important…the totality of being.


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