We all have a four-letter-word. For some it’s “thin,” for some it’s “work,” for some even “love.” Me? It’s STAY. I am the mistress of leaving, of hellos and good-byes, of forever heartbreaks and small yearnings. I live in the possibilities, in the movements, in the flight, in the creating…but never sticking around long enough to see the creation.
It’s had its place .I don’t regret or deny any of the necessary transformation – the movement – and there were plenty of times when LEAVE was the healthiest thing to do and staying would negate the calls of my soul.
I am an experimenter. I am here to try new things. I haven’t tried staying…much. It scares me. It’s boring…it’s not always fun…it’s kind of real.
Ironically I teach people how to stay, how to ground. How to be in the body, how to feel. The undercurrents, the core…it’s important to me – how do we stay connected to that?
And yet I teach in a mystery I haven’t cracked. I used to drive myself crazy trying to figure it out, to somehow “know.” And I kinda gave up. There’s someone or something else holding the reins and I simply stay curious.
The beauty – the surprises! A year ago – could I have ever predicted how the following year transpired? This has happened every year. All plans fall apart. I’ve witnessed miracles, I’ve lost important friends, I got cracked open and grew new feathers, what was once sacred to me now doesn’t matter…and what used to not matter now is important. I smile differently. I hold differently. I let go. I feel different. Again. This world looks different. You look different. We all do. Trapped in waves that don’t stop. Who’s turn is it next to go? I now have learned to hold everything sacred because I don’t know which part in retrospect really matters. I’ve learned that it’s all equally important.
I think I ran to outrun the waves. Like somehow I, like many others, think I can outsmart the universe. My own version of immortality, the health elixir or true love. We can’t escape the fact that we are part of everything. I am black, dark, grey and rainbow, clear, white. I am every single music note and all of the notes between those. We all are. We can’t escape.
I feel a finger holding me down. I dart my eyes to the next new thing, the next country, the next lover, the next process to learn…the next whatever that takes me out of here. Here isn’t always fun. Yes, when we finally settle in there ends up being some magical here and now-ness – but the process? Today I walked around feeling gnarly and frustrated…just letting myself feel this and that’s all I could do.
I’m 34. Suddenly I want to stop running. That relieves and terrifies me. I remember when I was 22 my mom would pray I’d get all this stuff out of my system. I think it happened. I know the magic is in the staying. In staying long enough to watch the entire prism spin – nearly lose itself and find itself again. To stay long enough to watch the glorious summer die – and be reborn. It takes guts to stay.
I watch my mind still trying to control. Where to stay? Is there a “best” place? Still naively looking for some utopia. I still am looking for excuses to run.
And yet…I know there’s a whole new world in staying. That there are sensations, experiences, even a certain consciousness only possible if one stays. That if I’m the true explorer, that this is the next frontier. And staying or going – one isn’t better. I think at some point we have to hit it all. If you’re a go-er – the growth ends up being in staying. And if you’re a stay-er- then find out what it feels like to fly. And the good news is, we always get to take turns at everything.