I woke up…or maybe even went asleep…grumpy, a bit confused…melancholic…lonely? Kind of like those feelings that have a domino effect…once one starts…then they start to hit their brothers and sisters. Usually after a night like this…I wake up relieved. Today… I woke up cross-eyed. I observe in myself, even though change is inevitable and it’s the ONLY one true thing I know – that SOMEHOW I still feel worried and terrified when change comes. (Remember this is the girl who has travelled the world since she was 15 and has never had a steady income and still manages to have a pretty miraculous life and she changes faster than a fruit fly metamorphoses.)
So this morning when all of my plans today were cancelled and turned inside out…I watched myself pull on my hat of classic worry and fear. Using my shamanic reasoning, I realized that this must be one of my dark entities, a.k.a. “Chicken Little” -“the sky is falling!”- who also, by the way, hangs out closely with Winnie the Pooh’s Piglet.
Funny, this human condition of mine, of most of us, of somehow needing to know what’s going to happen…like THAT’S any fun….And that’s when I got gifted. A friend all the way over in Peru, within minutes of my waking, contacted me and made me smile and giggle and I soon forgot that I was supposed to be serious.
After he and talked, I rolled out of bed, now with a bit of a smirk – but inside –maybe a residue of caution still inside of me…and I threw open my two balcony doors, all of my windows, let the sunshine in…and turned on Bjork’s album “Vespertine,” in particular, one of my all-time favorite songs “It’s Not Up to You.” All the lyrics are perfect…and so I let my mantra of the day be: “If you leave it alone, it might just happen….Unthinkable surprises are bound to happen.” And I remembered that what has healed me this whole way is the grace of the surprise, the miracle, the gift of this unthinkable huge ineffable power that I am part of and I’m a child of…who somehow is steering not just for me, but for all of us, a pretty damn good course. Even…when our ships wreck for the 100th time….